By: Alexa
Relationships can be rough – sometimes you just can’t tell the difference between romantic feelings and sexual feelings and it can create a whole mess of your friendships and partnerships. Sometimes you may also question your sexuality or gender because of mushy mess of feelings. But the good news is that there are multiple kinds of relationships you can have with all the people in your life!
First off, it’s definitely possible to have romantic relationships without sex, sexual relationships without romance, and relationships based on both romance and sex. Some people only feel romantic attraction – a sexuality otherwise known as ‘asexual’. Asexuality differs from celibacy in that it celibacy is a choice to abstain from sex regardless of sexuality, whereas asexuality is a specific sexuality marked by a lack of sexual attraction or sexual attraction under very specific circumstances. The word asexuality has become an umbrella term for a lot of different types of non-sexual attractions. To name a few:
- Grey-Asexual, Gray-A – experiencing some sexual attraction sometimes but not all the time
- Demi-Sexual – experiencing sexual attraction only when a romantic bond is formed
There are also romantic orientations, which may be separate from sexual orientations or may align with them.
- Aromantic – no experience of romantic attraction towards any individual
- Biromantic – romantic attraction to two genders
- Heteroromantic – romantic attraction to persons of a different gender
- Homoromantic – romantic attraction to persons of the same gender
- Polyromantic – romantic attraction to many but not all genders
- Panromantic – romantic attraction to all genders
- Demiromantic – an individual who does not experience romantic attraction until a close emotional bond has been formed
(I’ll explain other sexualities and genders in later posts so stay tuned!)
Information about asexuality is now more visible in the media, with TIME magazine even covering an article last year on a book by Julia Sondra Decker called The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.
However, for a very long time, psychologists have been trying to figure out the twists and turns of different relationships.
According to Lisa Diamond, a psychologist with a PhD in developmental psychology, her theory seems to support the idea of romantic and sexual orientations being different and not inseparable. She states that, “sexual desire and romantic love are functionally independent; romantic love is not intrinsically related to same-gender or other-gender partners; and that the links between love and desire are bidirectional”. So what does all this psychology jargon mean? Basically, it means that regardless of your sexual orientation, you may fall in love with anyone. The notion is that romantic love has evolved from the relationship between an infant and caregiver. Infants will bond with any caregiver that is the most responsive. Because of this attachment style, romantic attraction cannot be coded for any one gender.
Some nay-sayers suggest that both romantic and sexual attraction are absolutely required in order for an individual to have a healthy relationship. But if we pay attention to our own relationships, we may find a different story.
For example, I am gray-asexual and demi-romantic. How can this be? For as long as I can remember, I wasn’t very interested in sex. I sometimes thought about it, but never had an urge to act on it. In all four years of high school, I dated only three people – if it could even be called dating… My dating relationships were based on friendships and although I cared deeply about them, I didn’t feel romantic attraction toward them. I thought about sex, and although the concept of sex was interesting to me, the thought of performing the act caused me anxiety. There has only been one person with whom I was able to first have very deep romantic relationship with. Our relationship developed slowly over time and became both sexual and romantic. Oftentimes, though, I wouldn’t have the urge to engage in sex very frequently. I felt a very profound emotional and romantic connection, however, and it made me feel safe and happy.
I came across the definitions of asexuality and romantic attraction about 4 years ago. As cliché as it sounds, things just seemed to click. It made sense why I had never been very interested in sex or dating. I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me and it enabled me to see when friendship had turned into romance.
If you would like to learn more about asexuality and romantic attractions visit
Asexuality Archive
LGBT Center: UNC Chapel Hill
If my post and personal story has helped you, or you have questions regarding this information, please leave a comment!
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